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  • Writer's pictureMercer Lawrenson

The Liberal Hair Products Equality Act

The New Liberal

Hair Products Equality Act.

Bill C-39

As parliament resumes in the new year, the new Liberal government plans to deal with one of Canada's biggest inequality gaps, the Mercer Report has learned. Leaked documents show that the issue of hair products inequality is finally going to receive comprehensive treatment by the Canadian government. P.E.T. made many strides towards complete equality in our nation, and Justin plans to finish the good work. Women in Canada use 363% more hair products than men. This has long been a sore spot in our egalitarian society. Previous attempts have been made to get men to use more hair product, most notably by the Mulroney and Chretien administrations. They were able to slightly increase men's use of hair products, but were not able to reduce inequality, because women's shampoo use went up as well. The new legislation makes it illegal for a woman to purchase more of an individual hair product or accessory than the men's national average. It will produce almost immediate gender equality in the world of Canadian hair.

The new law covers ponies, hair bands, combs, picks, bobby pins, hair dyes, hair gels, shampoos, conditioners, haircuts, hairstyling visits, the newfangled foam things that make the bun on your head look like a doughnut, jaw clips, french combs, scarves and headwraps, pins, stretch combs, barrettes (they're useless anyway) snap clips, tiaras, hair sticks, banana clips, blow dryers,

heat protective spray, multi-use flat irons, hair clips, hair clamps, hair extensions, wigs, hairspray, volumizer, hair brushes, scrunchies*, headbands, hair bands, hair clips, hair flowers, mousse, relaxers, straighteners, and lobster claws.

If you use a hair product or accessory that is not on this list, it may still be banned. Contact me for information on your favorite moisturising conditioner, brand of bobby pins or other life saving accessory.

Hair accessories expert Glenn Johnson says that under the new legislation scrunchies may become a thing of the past, because in Canada women buy 38,000 times more scrunchies** than men. Making it very difficult to purchase a new scrunchie***. So if you have a scrunchie, keep it.

The act is controversial, but Liberal minister of hair Mark Darnell believes that Canadians will accept it. He lists the economic benefits as one of the main pros of the legislation. The money diverted to other economic drivers by forcing women to spend the same amount on their hair as men, will result in a 3% increase in tax revenue due to increased investment, and allow the government to phase out the CPP because the savings will alone cover 63% of Canadians retirement expenses. This is such a large economic development, that economists working for the liberal government say that it will allow them to pay off the national debt in six years.

In turn, Conservative leader and leader of the official opposition Rona Ambrose is critical of the bill. She says that although Liberal women have only 4% more hair than Liberal men, Conservative women have 78% more hair than Conservative men and she believes that this legislation will have a negative effect on females on the right side of the political spectrum. She believes that hair product quotas should be allotted based on an individual's units of hair, not per capita blanketed to all individuals.

While Liberals are citing subsection two of article 15 of the Canadian charter of rights and freedoms as the reason for the law, the NDP are complaining that the act contravenes article 12 of the same charter that says, "Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment."

For her part, Green party leader Elizabeth May is all in for the legislation, saying that the environmental damage that is prevented by limiting the use of soap will save four polar bears over the next decade.

As for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, he says that women should not be concerned that their use will be cut overly much, because from now on his own usage will be included in the national average, and according to statistics Canada, the Right Honorable Prime Minister uses 5322% more hair product than the average use of the last 10 prime minister's. What can you say?


*The Author did not know what a “scrunchie” was before doing the research for this article.

** The Author has never seen a man wearing a “scrunchie”, and does not want to!

***The Author estimates that the law will only allow for 248 “scrunchies” to be legally bought each year.

#Government #Satire #Politics

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