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  • Writer's pictureMercer Lawrenson

Conservatives play to base... Or not

After seeing success with the policy of forcing people to show their faces before citizenship ceremonies in the general election, the Conservative party is introducing legislation to extend the open face policy to other Canadian events. Studies have shown that 96% of Canadians prefer to speak with someone whose face is visible. And so the Conservative party believes that it is an excellent wedge issue to take the side of strongly supporting the policy of making Canadians show their faces. The main target during the election campaign was a Muslim woman that wore the niqab but since there are only seven of those in Canada, the party has discovered a new constituency to harass over their repressive cultural practices: snowmobile drivers. They are notorious for keeping their faces covered!

Snowmobilers have long held that they cover their faces to keep them from freezing, the same way Muslim women cover their faces so they will not be killed by allah, but the Conservative party has discovered that the frostbite ploy is all made up to cover up snowmobilers criminal practices. According to Conservative leader Rona Ambrose, snowmobilers scarves, goggles, helmets and, worst of all, balaclavas, are all part of a scheme to allow snowmobilers to smuggle people and drugs without ever being identified. The proposed law (bill C- 29) would prevent any snowmobiler from covering any part of the front of their face from the bottom of their chin to the middle of their forehead, during any time that they are snowmobiling on the trail, in a ditch, or on private property. The proposed fine would be $439.99 for the first offense and jail time being a possibility for a second offense.

Snowmobile expert Rich Callingham says that there are likely to be between 11 to 17 days of the year, depending on where you live, where it will be safe to snowmobile with your face uncovered. He says that would reduce snowmobiling by 84%, something he thinks is unlikely. He believes what will happen is a return to a cowboy style wild west where all snowmobilers carry guns and simply fire on any police that attempt to take them down. The problem with that solution is that the federal law provides for 2.3 billion to be spent on developing an armored snowmobile that can reach speeds of 190 miles per hour in order to catch noncompliant kids on skidoos. Conservative MPs say that some grassroots members have expressed concern, but they were all from rural ridings where they don’t need the snowmobile vote to win.

Here's to an open-faced society!

The proposed look for the Snowchaser 3000

#Satire #Government #Rants

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